It's Over
by fireun
Summary: now with more than one chapter!SubaruKamui Songfic. angst warning. oh, the angst...rated cause Kamui has a foul mouth when cranky apparently."...It was hard to share ones bed with a bodhisattva."
1. It's Over

Official Disclaimer- I dont own X, or Suabru and Kamui. i am merely borrowing them for a bit.

unofficial disclaimer- ya know how i am always saying these two are a doomed couple? yeah...well...here is the doom part of the couple. i hope i dont offend fans of the pairing! i really like them as a pair, i just cannot conceive of them as a happy pair. there really is only so much a mind can take, even a mind as exalted as that of the Kamui or Head of the Sumeragi Clan. So, on with the angst. Lyrics are from "Over" by Sugarcult.  
-Fireun

_"Everybody's watching you  
Breathing in your every move  
Look around when the world is empty  
Look around if you're guilty"_

'_When did you learn to move like that...? There is a feral grace to you, a tense sort ofunhappiness when you pause, looking at something or another. The oddest things catch your attention, startle you. That tension, that displeasure, was never there before. Not when I met you. You were like an angel, a quietly beautiful fallen angel, always a slight smile in your eyes when you looked at me. Granted, there was just as much pain and unhappiness in that smile as pleasure when you turned that gaze in my direction, but there was never this…distance. Do you even see me, see any of us…' _Kamui glared at Subaru, who was busy slinking his way through a crowd, intent on reaching the news stand on the far side of the street. He watched the slim man move, effortlessly managing to avoid any sort of physical contact with any part of the crowd on the street. It was an almost casual avoidance of humanity, casual if you didn't know Subaru. His goal reached, he procured and paid for a paper with white gloved hands and started back to his partner, eyes unreadable.

As they always were these days.

_"Everybody's after you  
I wait in line to touch you  
Look around if you ever miss me  
Look around because it kills me"_

Granted, he let Kamui get closer than anyone else, let the younger man actually touch him, but he showed no preference, no reaction to contact. It was just something that happened, and Subaru took it stoically enough to please ancient philosophers. It was the stoicism that drove Kamui mad. He wanted a reaction. He wanted to know whether or not the other man was disgusted, repelled, or pleased. It was hard to share ones bed with a bodhisattva. Duty had called Subaru back from the edge, and it was to duty he clung. There had been something there, at some point, pleased gasps of pleasure in the night, clinging hands, gentle kisses...The intensity of emotion had faded, leaving a porcelain statue of a man in Subaru's place.

Paper tucked under one arm Subaru returned to Kamui's side, a trained hound returning to its master. He laid one gloved hand on Kamui's arm, a lover's motion from a much more reserved time. It was charming. It was polite. It was infuriating. Kamui snatched his arm away, hoping to see some sort of emotion, some sort of hurt or unease in Subaru's calm eyes.

Nothing. Why the hell did he even bother? He was getting nothing from this emotional eunuch.

_"It's over  
There's nothing you can do  
There's nothing you can say  
To keep me here  
It's over  
You say we're just friends  
We're playing pretend to keep me here"_

"Did you want to get some tea?" Subaru's quiet voice caressed Kamui's ear, reminding him of dark rooms and loving embraces. The things he missed most. "I believe that was the plan for this afternoon?"

"I don't really want any…"

"Then let me treat you to some ice cream. I have never seen you turn that down." There was a crooked sort of smile on Subaru's face, one that lingered on delicate lips but never made it through aristocratic facial features or all the way up to mismatched eyes.

Hell. It was better than nothing…

"Sure."

Subaru took one of Kamui's hands in his own, kissed it chastely, then moved to lead the way to the ice cream parlor Kamui favored. _'You will most likely try and order my favorite flavor again, that damn unreadable look on your face. You are going through the motions, Subaru, but there isn't anyone home up there. You are not getting anything from this interaction, and you are giving nothing new.' _Kamui frowned, and moved to follow his partner. He wouldn't call Subaru his lover. Not anymore. It implied too much that just wasn't there.

_  
_  
_"Every night I lay in bed  
I think about the things you said  
Look around, I'm the one, your only  
Look around it still kills me"_

The nights really were the worst. Kamui either had to suffer with Subaru in his bed, with the continually grating playacting at being a lover, or he lay alone with the knowledge that the other man was curled on the couch, most likely reading_. 'What the hell happened, Subaru. You drifted away. I watched it happen…but I didn't know what to do. You were so unhappy…all I did was try to help. Dammit, you came back to me, you came back to ME. Why the hell do I feel like I am dragging you through some sort of personal hell every second you are awake? I thought I was helping. I thought you were at least happy here with me. At least a little. I didn't know someone could bleed to death internally from a mental hurt. Not like this. I know how close I came, that once, but you were there to help me. I thought I could do the same for you. I thought I was. A bit. Dammit, man. I can't believe I am in love with someone who might as well be dead. That's what you want, isn't it? You lose the one great love, and now nothing else will do. I'm fucking sick of playing second to the memory of that bastard.'_

In bed, at night, Kamui would curl in on himself, trying hard not to cry, to howl in anguish and anger. He knew how much Subaru hated being there, knew it. And gods it hurt. Oh did it hurt…

_"It's over, To keep me here  
Doesn't anyone care?"_

And then deceptively lean, strong arms would circle around him as the bed dipped in response to added weight as Subaru pulled him up against his chest. "I'm sorry." Subaru would whisper into Kamui's hair, one vulnerable instant; one moment of pure Subaru before the walls would go up again. He would hold Kamui, rock him gently as the younger man cried himself to sleep, and then he would take his own turn at crying when no one was awake to see.

_"Everybody's watching you and counting down your every move  
Look around when your heartbeat's empty  
Look around if it's guilty"  
_

And the days were all the same; a man miming domestic life, mimicking a memory of what it was to be in love, and another man too painfully, angrily in love to tell the other to get the hell out. Kamui, in his more quiet moments, would try to convince himself that Subaru would get better, that he just needed to get over the massive hurt left by Seishiro's love, betrayal, and death. He longed for the intense nights, the little affectionate instances of the days, the general feeling of being with someone. He didn't need the support anymore, didn't need the comfort. He had grown beyond that. He genuinely wanted Subaru around, wanted what anyone romantically involved want; wanted to feel wanted in return.

_"It's over  
You say we're just friends  
We're playing pretend to keep me here  
It's over  
There's nothing you can do  
There's nothing you can say  
To keep me here  
It's over  
You say we're just friends  
It's almost the end"_

Subaru would take his hand, give him flowers, share a bed with him at night, but he had retreated so far into his own mind, sealed away emotions that had been fucked with one too many times for even that strong of a mind to handle with grace. That quiet eloquence, that perfection of the role of polite lover, was more than Kamui could handle. He didn't need Subaru to take care of him, to be the quietly suffering savior. He did the only thing he could think of at the time.

He kicked Subaru out of the apartment they shared.

He was at least graced by genuine shock and hurt when he told Subaru to leave. That was something.

Then the faithful stoic packed his few bags without a word and walked out the door, planting one last lightly lingering kiss on Kamui's lips, whispering one last "I'm sorry."

_"I'm outta here  
It's over  
I'm outta here"_

_'Damn it, Subaru. If you were so damn unhappy, why the hell did you stay?'_


	2. What's Left for Me?

Disclaimer- i dont own Tokyo Babylon or X. what i do own is a pestery angst ridden muse determined to make Subaru's life even more miserable...

Well, shinzonasuggested the possibility of a second chapter and the novelty of the idea caught my attention. usually my angsty introspectives only last so long....the possiblilty of making it get better before the end....it is so nice! my muse, on the other hand, is rather peeved at the idea of lightening the angst load. i have politely told him to stuff it. and so we have part the second! in which we get Subaru's opinion on getting kicked out and some of his rather unique brand of inner monologue! as always, reviews make me happy! and sometimes even get me to write things that i never thought to be doing! and yes, there will be more to follow this. Lyrics are from Days of the New, song "What's Left For Me". if you have ever heard the song it really has that just-kicked-out-wandering-through-town sort of feel to it....  
-fireun

* * *

**"**_**Taken by surprise/by the size of my brain  
Knowing all the time all the lies/all the games  
Thinking up a storm/when it storms it's going to rain  
Taking what's mine all the time/all the time"**_

There is something almost sublime about being kicked out for the first time in ones life. It is suddenly as if the world _is_ actually that big and you _are_ actually that small. Even the air smells different, wet and grey like clay and ashes rolled on the tongue like a fine wine. Those were Subaru's first impressions of his existence outside of the apartment he had shared with Kamui for the past seven months. Mechanically he settled a cigarette in his mouth and lit. _'Well. Kamui is known for being rather volatile…I suppose it was only a matter of time.'_ Cigarette securely smoking, Subaru managed a grin. _'The current head of the Sumeragi Clan thrown out like a cheating lover. Hokuto would be pissed.'_ The next though made him bite through his cigarette to his lip. _'Seishiro would laugh…'_

"Damn it…leave me alone you bastard." He hissed, emotion he never dared show around Kamui. The thought of the young man, who could quite possibly be watching from the window of their, his, apartment, propelled Subaru forward, the crunched remnants of half a cigarette falling to the ground and dousing itself out in a small puddle of what was most likely at least half rain water. Couldn't let Kamui see, mustn't let him worry, feel guilty…Subaru had come back of his own volition, and he never wanted Kamui to think he regretted the decision.

'_You do though, don't you?'_ That thrice be damned voice in the back of his head, taunting and teasing, whispering things he didn't dare utter aloud. Insidious whispers tormenting in the voice of a lover standing over the body of his murdered sister…

He never wanted to mean that much to Kamui, never as much as Seishiro meant to him, almost as if he was afraid of reenacting his own betrayal, but this time on the side of perpetrator as opposed to victim. He didn't want to infiltrate another's life in the way Seishiro had his. And now, walking along on a crowded sidewalk in the early evening, the glow of neon lights and headlights, and dancing LEDs, he had no idea what he was doing. Subaru didn't notice the people he evaded as he walked, didn't notice the cars he walked in front of, didn't notice the coffee house he ordered espresso in. It was the bitter tang of coffee on his tongue, oddly sweet as he never had ordered a flavor in his espresso before, that made him pause. He had nowhere to go but his ancestral home or back to Kamui. One was uncomfortable, and the other had just thrown him out.

**"**_**Take some for yourself  
It's all good for something  
And when there's no more to give  
The window will shine in the light  
On what's left for me"**_

One would assume this is what led him to settle in the next café he came across. For approximately eight hours. Not that the proprietor was complaining, as Subaru ordered a coffee at least once a half hour, and obviously had the money to pay, something he had questioned upon first seeing the rather plainly dressed, upset looking young man. Every hour or so Subaru would consider the menu, then place it down with a sharp smack of paper against wood. _'Subaru-chan, you need to take better care of yourself! Have some of the dinner I prepared! I knoooow you like crepes!'_ His sister. Even his sister now was conspiring against his sanity. It was bad enough when it was only his lover…As if on cue that other voice would chime in, as it always had in life. _'Hokuto-chan is right, Subaru-kun. You hardly ever have any time to take care of yourself when you are taking care of an entire city. It appears I will have to feed you. Open up!'_ That is what would send the menu slamming back onto the table

And then he would place more money on the table, a wordless command that his coffee cup be refilled.

If he ingested enough of the bitter stuff maybe it would start to taste sweet, like that one cup back on the street, like the feel of Kamui curled against his side, crying in his sleep. It was so possible, so probable. Which is most likely what led Subaru to drink coffee with a dedication usually reserved for drunks at their favorite pub.

'_Gah, Subaru, I don't know how you drink that stuff.' Kamui would shudder over dramatically, a smile in his expressive eyes. _

'_It is an acquired taste.'_

'_Kinda like me?' Kamui would lean forward, over the cup of coffee and peer up into his mismatched eyes, questioning, a smile attempting to hide the insecurity included in the joke._

Subaru thought he might just decide to give up coffee. It just wasn't as interesting anymore…He glared at the cup in sitting on the table, still steaming lightly from a recent refill. It was lacking a sort of appeal that had encouraged him to have at least a cup a day for the past half a year.

**"_Know in your mind that you've got to remember your name"_**

It was around four in the morning when Subaru settled the payment for his last cup of coffee, which remained forlornly alone and untouched on the table, and wandered back out onto the street. There was something ridiculously mundane about walking through the city in the early morning, something he had never noticed before. Before he had always been coming from some place, going somewhere; there had always been a purpose to his movements. No one here knew him, not the hooker, the drunks, or the restless night owls. No one expected anything of him, thought anything of him. It was a particular variety of interesting, to be passed over casually.

This was most definitely what they meant when the writers meant when they described someone as being alone with their thoughts. It was not a physical alone; it was a purely mental phenomenon.

He settled upon a park bench, near a young man oblivious to the world due to the headphones with which he was obviously engaged in listening to music he adored. It was only in the chill of the predawn, settled on a metal bench, that Subaru realized he had left his coat in Kamui's apartment.

'_I had better write that one off as lost…I doubt the boy will want to see me anytime soon. Not that that should bother me.'_

'_It does though, doesn't it?'_ That damn voice again, silky smooth and rich with laughter.

**"**_**Staggering around/can't find a place to sit down  
Nothing suits my ass  
Toast to some champagne of pain  
I know you can bring us all a bottle  
Remember the time when time was a friend  
And you could make him lend you a hand  
Now there's a place where taking takes place  
And time just gets in your way"**_

The bench really wasn't that comfortable after all. Subaru lurched to his feet with a grimace, all of his innate grace abandoning him in his less than centered mental state. He didn't know exactly what it was he needed, but sitting on a bench in the early hours of the day was obviously not even in the running.


	3. Away

Disclaimer- Don't own the boys. they are the brain children of CLAMP.

Well, merrily i plod along on this one, due completely to the requests and prodding of reviewers and friends, both on and off this site. it still amuses me that this was going to be a one shot. definately not done with the story...methinks it needs another chapter or two. anyone who might want to help me beta the thing should drop me a note. i am horrid at editing my own writing. and not near patient enough to do a good job on it. and, as always, reviews are my most favorite thing in the world after a good nap. lyrics this time from "Away" by Breaking Benjamin  
-fireun

* * *

"**_Cold am I  
_**_**I'm beside myself  
**__**Because there's no one else  
**__**Have I grown  
**__**So blind  
**__**Only god could save you  
**__**If you knew your way to the light  
**__**So fly away  
**__**And leave it behind  
**__**Just stay awake  
**__**There's nowhere to hide"**_

Subaru stumbled through the city, awkward in a way that would have appalled those who new him. His equilibrium was gone, his sense of place in the world, and the placement of the world itself. He knew he had lost something back on Rainbow Bridge, but he had thought it was a tangible, sticky red, cooling on his hands and clothes, not something as intangible as _feeling_. It terrified him, the alien prospect of letting the world touch him, and touching it back. He was young again, huddled frightened and crying in bed…

But this time his sister was not there to curl up with him, soothe him and share the burden.

Someone had been…

He didn't want to let that thought in, to let it finish its message with the accompanying impressions and expressions held so tenuously at bay.

_'Who'd have seen this coming? Subaru Sumeragi. A coward.'_ That voice…that thrice be damned, beloved voice…

Leave me alone….

_'You don't even admit I am here. How can something that does not exist be persuaded to leave?'_

Damn you…Seishiro….

_'Not completely right, Subaru-kun. Half way there, Subaru-san.'_

Unexpected. No. An epiphany that was violent in its debilitating, shocking effect. Past and present juxtaposed, finally allowed to meet, converse, draw conclusions, leaving Subaru to falter, to depend on the support of a building side to keep him upright.

"Kamui." He gasped, his breath frosting slightly in the early morning chill, allowing the revelation of a lifetime to gain life and recognition.

"**_I see you  
_**_**Cause you won't get out of my way  
**__**I hear you  
**__**Cause you won't quit screaming my name  
**__**I feel you  
**__**Cause you won't stop touching my skin  
**__**I need you  
**_**_There coming to take you away"_**

Kamui- who had been his solace, his savior, and the bane of his existence. His mirror image, in pain and experience. It had hurt to look at him, to merely meet the gaze of those wide, anguished eyes, for Subaru knew exactly what they were reflecting. He had been there. Was there.

Misery loves company, but only to a certain extent.

He needed to help Kamui, he couldn't help but want to be there to ease things along for the boy. But he didn't need to empathize with him. He didn't need to feel that anguish, feel his own reaching out for understanding and comfort. Damn if he wanted to rely on another like that ever again. It never had occurred to him that Kamui was indeed his mirror, even in this, and that he was hurting him.

He was the product of a great love, the greatest betrayal, and a reconciliation attempted amidst an impressionists nightmare of splattered red. He had given everything to Seishiro, his love, his hate, and in the end his understanding- and the bastard had left him. It is never pleasant to realize you are repeating a history you revile.

Kamui, having endured hell and stayed standing, wanted nothing more than the affection he had grown used to in Subaru in the time before that psychologically apocalyptic confrontation on Rainbow Bridge. Kamui who had been patient, and concerned…

Who had finally been driven to send him away.

_'Proud of yourself, Subaru-kun? Proud of the strength you showed that boy, in denying him an ounce of comfort or concern? Always polite to a fault, always concer…'_

"Shut the hell up." He snarled, dripping venomous anger, a catharsis of every foul, nasty thought he had had since realizing in the end he had lost. He had canned it all up, the sour taste of fear, bitter resentment, tangy nervousness, and melting love; everything he had come to associate with Seishiro through the years. He had locked it in a corner of his fragmented psyche, along with every association those things had with anything else in the world.

He had lost then, and damn it he had managed to fuck it up and lose everything again.

"**_Frail and dry  
_**_**I could lose it all  
**__**But I cannot recall  
**__**It all wrong  
**__**Don't cry  
**__**Clear away this hate  
**__**And we can start to make it alright  
**__**So fly away  
**__**And leave it behind  
**__**Return someday  
**_**_With red in your eyes"_**

There was something utterly depressing about the fact that Subaru's favorite white coat still hung, perfect and still, on the hook by the door. Everything about that man had been prefect in the end, everything but the little imperfections that make life interesting, that allow affection to gain that special tinge that turns it into love.

Kamui glared at the coat, upset that it was making him depressed, pulling the sting out of his anger to leave only that heavy lethargy of emotion behind. Subaru never went anywhere without that coat…

He was probably cold right now…

"Why the hell should I care. The bastard isn't giving me a second thought, unless it is in relation to his fucking coat." In a instinctual attempt to alleviate his discomfort, Kamui launched a shoe at the offending article of clothing.

It missed.

Which, for some reason, Kamui found infinitely amusing, in the same way a trauma victim will cackle at their predicament. "I suppose I could set the thing on fire. That would get rid of it." For a good twenty minutes, that seemed a viable option, destruction a comfortable norm, a pleasantly clichéd way to end a lovers squabble.

Lover.

For all his faults, for his damning cold perfection, Kamui still loved Subaru. It had matured, moved beyond a need to cling to another human being to the solid, secure feeling of enjoying another's company. Which had become an impossibility in Subaru's more current mindset. It was a losing proposition to attempt to stand on equal footing with someone who seemed to want to take care of you but not care for you.

"**_I see you  
_**_**Cause you won't get out of my way  
**__**I hear you  
**__**Cause you won't quit screaming my name  
**__**I feel you  
**__**Cause you won't stop touching my skin  
**__**I need you  
**_**_There coming to take you away"_**

Lover.

He hadn't wanted to use that word, hadn't wanted to feel the displeased anxiety that accompanied the designation. There had been so little of recent where there has been such an intense surplus before. It hadn't burned itself out…the gasps and frantic embraces hadn't vanished, they had matured like a good vintage into something settled, but no less significant.

One evening, on a bridge in Tokyo, Subaru had looked up at Kamui with eyes so broken, the horrified eyes of an animal in a trap, whirling with a frantic sort of incomprehensible pain…And then they had glassed over.

Kamui had held onto him, soothing him back to the world with gentle words and quiet moments. But as time passed, it became apparent that not all of Subaru had made it back. Somewhere in those opaque eyes that lack of comprehension lingered, or so Kamui assumed.

He missed the quiet laugh, the cranky mornings, the indecorous frustrations that had colored a vivid Subaru. This perfection, this median of humanity, was infuriating and unlivable.

Contemplating a white coat alone in an apartment littered with the fragments of a frugal man's life, Kamui remembered a pained expression that had slid through mismatched eyes as he had demanded the other man leave.

Maybe…there was something in there worth digging for. Even if he had to kick Subaru out of the house at least once a week…

"**_I see you  
_**_**Cause you won't get out of my way  
**__**I hear you  
**__**Cause you won't quit screaming my name  
**__**I feel you  
**__**Cause you won't stop touching my skin  
**__**I need you  
**_**_There coming to take you away"_**

It was a familiar step, settled below the mailbox, chipped on the edge and worn from endless feet exiting and entering. It was a step he had lingered on and smoked near countless times. Now it was a step for him to sit on, lacking anywhere else to go. He was too scared to knock and beg admittance. The newness of the fear had almost as much power as the fear he had of facing the boy again. Neither allowed him any closer than this well worn, cold stone step. So he sat, unlit cigarette in hand, the sickeningly sour hint of bile lingering in the back of his mouth. He must have gotten sick somewhere along the way, oblivious as a drunk to his bodies distress.

Subaru didn't know what to do, had nowhere else to go. And he was cold. That was enough to pull a sob from his already abused throat.

_'Crying, Subaru-san?'_ That voice was quiet now…concerned….it was almost comforting. Subaru closed his eyes and leaned back.

Into a very solid form.

"Why are you crying Subaru-san?" That voice was very real, echoing the commentator in his mind. Subaru stiffened, caught without a clue as to how to react, caught vulnerable.

A tense moment passed, and then something familiar was draped over his shoulders.

"You forgot your coat." A pause, and then "You're freezing, Subaru. Come inside."

* * *

**Animegoil **- thanks so much for all of your reviews! and i agree, the image of kamui actually kicking subaru out is rather hilarious!

**Exie**- i know you are reading this, and i blame the fic!bunnies on you. it is 3:30 in the morning and i am working on a fic.


	4. Counting Stars

Disclaimer - if i owned them i wouldnt be working evening shifts in the mall during the christmas shopping season......

well! semester is over! which means more time for writing. at least in a perfect world. still have that pesky job to deal with...next installment of what has lovingly been labled the X!Angst fic is finished. i am desperately looking for someone to beta this thing. i am horrid at editing my own writing... ah well. song this time is "Counting Stars" by Sugarcult.

on with the fic. now with 80 percent more fluff!   
-fireun

* * *

**"_Hey, I wanna crawl out of my skin  
Apologize for all my sins  
All the things I should have said to you  
Hey, I can't make it go away  
Over and over in my brain again  
All the things I should have said to you"_**

'_Now what the hell am I supposed to do with him?'_ Kamui had managed to coax Subaru into the apartment, had gotten the door closed, and found himself standing, completely at a loss, braced against that very same door. Subaru stood dazed, blinking as if he were looking into bright light. Tears ambled down the man's thin face unacknowledged, which was somewhere between comforting and terrifying. It was good to see Subaru emote, but damn it….Subaru Sumeragi didn't cry. As if hearing Kamui's thoughts, the other man glanced over, shattered remnants of his mind gleaming amidst the tears in his eyes. It was a casual look, half over the shoulder, but it sent a shiver Kamui's spine. It was a terrifying expression, a complete lack of anything resembling sanity.

"Hey…Subaru. Why…don't you sit on the couch? I will get you come coffee."

The other man blinked a few times, and then moved over to the couch, his light footsteps silent on the carpet.

Kamui waited until Subaru was settled and apparently enthralled by the feel of the couch material under his hands, as he was stroking it as methodically as one would a cat. With a jerky motion that was half shiver and half shrug he turned to the kitchen to make some coffee.

There was something soothing about brewing coffee. It was a speck of normalcy in a vast pile of confusion, and Kamui clung to it with a pit bulls tenacity. Dark and strong, Subaru drank the bitter stuff with the determination of a patient taking medicine, but it always seemed to soothe him. The machine brewed faster than normal, as Kamui was only preparing a cup as opposed to a full pot, so it was only a few minutes before he was carrying a steaming mug out to his errant partner. He handed the mug over with awkward familiarity, almost shy, and watched Subaru seemed to wander back to reality for an instant. He closed his eyes, inhaled the rich aroma of fresh coffee deeply, then sipped lightly.

"It really is an acquired taste." He muttered voice rough and uncertain.

"Subaru?" Kamui leaned forward, intent.

Subaru tilted his head to the side, almost birdlike in his regard, then smiled that broken smile he had so often tried to reassure Kamui with back in the beginning. It was stiff and self-conscious, but it was a hint of Subaru. He huddled over his cup of coffee, uncertain in a way that was reassuring as well as heartbreaking in its vulnerability.

Kamui sighed, then settled close to the other man, taking careful note of how Subaru shook slightly every few seconds. "Hey, Subaru…it's alright. Do you want me to go? Give you some space or something?"

That was apparently the wrong suggestion. Subaru's eyes widened, some wire crossing in the back of brain as he interpreted Kamui's question as a bizarre rejection. A sob hurled its way out from the back of his throat and the coffee fell to the rug with a thud and splash, swiftly soaking into the rich material. Appalled, Subaru dropped his head into his hands and clenched it, tightly. "I'm sorry." He whispered frantically to himself.

**_"Counting stars wishing I was okay  
Crashing down was my biggest mistake  
I never ever ever meant to hurt you  
I only did what I had to_**  
**_Counting stars again"_**

Kamui blinked, taken aback. This was not at all what he expected when he took Subaru back into their apartment. Yes, he had wanted some sort of emotional feedback from the other man, but this seemed a bit… excessive. Subaru sat, shaking his head, his whole body quivering. He hadn't wanted this, not really.

He wanted arms around him, quiet breathing in his ear, and warm breath on his neck. He wanted his lover back… "…back" In the echo of his words Kamui realized that he had spoken aloud. Afraid he would upset Subaru further he bit down on his lip, anxious.

Eyes like boiled glass met his, unblinking. "I fucked it up again."

Kamui flinched. Subaru had never really…well, cussed like that. At least not around him. "Hey…it's ok. I was just thinking aloud I guess."

"I…I wasn't thinking. It…it just…I don't know. It hurts. I didn't want it to. I didn't. Didn't want to hurt you instead though. I fucked it up. Didn't realize I was hurting you. Was hurting me too, I just didn't notice…" Subaru was babbling, which was a step above catatonic shock at least. "I spilled coffee on the rug…"

That shook a laugh out of Kamui before he had even processed a wry sort of amusement. Trust Subaru to try to be practical in a situation like this. "Yeah, it's going to stain. I think we are going to have to replace the rug. Or find a table or chair or something to sit on top of it."

"We could move the couch…"

"You aren't moving anything." Kamui snapped as Subaru started to stand. He was afraid the other man would use the activity to gather his dignity and walls and withdraw again. There must have been quite a bit of venom in his voice, as Subaru twitched to a halt, half standing.

"**_Hey, I'll take this day by day by day  
Under the covers I'm okay I guess  
Life's too short and I feel small"_**

Kamui could have kicked himself. He was such a short-tempered idiot sometimes. Frustration, unhappiness- it all made him moody as a schoolgirl and cranky as hell. And right now he was tired on top of it all. "Subaru. Sit down. Neither the coffee or the rug is going anywhere, and there sure as hell isn't a way for you to clean the stain right now, so just let it be. Come and sit with me."

Subaru must have heard something in his voice, saw something in his face, for he collapsed back onto the couch, looking miserable for a whole new reason. It was still odd to see so many emotions slipping around Subaru's face, and they all had a rough edged raw sort of tension to them. Kamui took one look at the current reigning flavor, a bitterly sour guilt, and made a decision. Swinging his legs up onto the couch he settled back into a comfortably reclined position with a sigh.

Unfortunately for Subaru that put Kamui's head soundly onto his lap. He stiffened, uncertain as to exactly what was expected of him, what he was supposed to do next. Fortunately Kamui foresaw this little problem and thought to help the other man out. "Ya know, when we used to watch television like this you would run your hands through my hair." Kamui nuzzled against Subaru's thigh a bit, craving the physical contact. "I always like that."

It was a long, strained moment of absolute stillness and silence, and then Subaru's hand moved a little, trailing through Kamui's fine, silky hair.

Kamui decided it would be polite to ignore the warm tears he could feel hitting the side of his face as Subaru decided to do a decades worth of crying in one evening. The other man was there, actually there for the first time in far too long. It seemed too much of a danger to remind him of that right then.**_  
_**

"**_Counting stars again  
Counting stars again  
Counting stars again  
Counting stars again  
Counting stars again…"_**

* * *

Animegoil - there really do need to be more darling boys in real life! 

Shinzona - since my even continuing this was due mostly to your review...thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sadako Sumeragi - i hope you are still enjoying!


	5. Disorder

Disclaimer: the only thing i own is the angst i force upon the poor guys,

_well, this appears to be it. the happiest conclusion i could come to with what i started with. again, i really dont ever seeing Kamui and Subaru as being a happy, healthy couple. the psychology just isnt there. what i see them having is amazing, mostly in that Kamui didnt kick Subaru out sooner, but Subaru is a rather...broken character. one of my favorites, and i love him to death, but the poor kid has been through more than a mind can handle with any sort of panache. hence, the angst. hope you all enjoyed wading through with mass of angst and insanity. thanks so much for the reviews and the demands that i keep writing this one. it really expanded it into something neat! lyrics this final time are from "Disorder" by Goldfinger.  
-fireun_

**_

* * *

_**

_**"My little story's  
growing way too long  
i've had to suffer  
enough to write this song  
and if i get the chance  
i'll tell you how it feels  
cause in this sick old head  
the pain is way to real"**_

He was glad Kamui was quiet, was glad he didn't want to talk. Honestly, Subaru didn't know if he was capable of coherent speech at the current moment. There was something wrong with him, so desperately wrong. All he wanted to do was flee back out into the early morning, which he knew was a bad idea, knew it wouldn't make anything better. He had just come in, come home, and while he knew he wasn't happy, the soft sighs Kamui breathed out every now and then in response to his hesitant stroking warmed _something_ in him.

Maybe it was the fact that he didn't want to admit that the sound of the young mans voice sent something warm and fluttery through his stomach and up his spine. It was a brilliant anticipation, but what _for_ he was unclear about. He just knew he didn't like it. It raised a horde of associations and memories in the murky depths of his mind, and none of them remained pleasant for very long.

'Seishiro…' He mouthed the name, almost frantic and more than a little reverent, as he had been years ago.

**_"so i fall down  
i don't know  
if i can make it up this time"_**

Kamui felt, more than heard, Subaru breath out that name, recognized it from nights and nights of restless sleep and horrific nightmares. He pretended not to notice, as he did when the other man whimpered it in his sleep, cried out in a pitiful voice. This at least was familiar, had rules and precedent. It was a familiar piece of that life they had shared, and even though the circumstance was altered, it was something that Kamui knew how to handle. This was his Subaru; unhappy as all hell, but tangible, tactile…

He knew how to handle this.

He pulled his face from its comfortable place on Subaru's lean thighs, leaned his forehead against Subaru's, paused a moment so the other man could register his presence, then brushed a kiss against lips swollen from where Subaru had bit them. They were warm, tasted lightly of salt from tears and an odd bit of blood. It had been awhile since there had been such honest hesitation in Subaru, almost virginal anxiety, and it was exhilarating and endearing all at once. There was something honest in Subaru's unsteady expelled breath that had been missing, something human.

"**_I know i want to but it gets  
harder every time  
and if it's easier_**  
**_to give up everything  
i'd give it all to you  
to relieve half this pain"_**

It was a gentle, almost hesitant kiss; more of an exploration and tasting than any sort of show of sexuality or even affection, and it sent streaks of ice down Subaru's spine. It was like being cornered and having ones only desire presented all at the same time, a confection of longing and terror blended perfectly. He could smell soda on Kamui's breath; taste the sugar lightly on the younger mans lips. It was almost alien even thought he knew he had tasted this many times before…

Seishiro had always tasted like smoke and coffee, a combination that should never have been as enticing as it had proved to be.

A sharply indrawn breath…past infringing on present…a mind losing its delicate handle on reality…it was too much; exactly what he had been trying to avoid, shutting out.  
He didn't want…couldn't….

"Hey, Subaru." The words were whispered against his throat, raising gooseflesh partially out of pure sensory appreciation, and partially through panic. "Subaru. Trust me."

It really did sound easy, it should have been effortless. Of all the people in the world, Kamui was least likely to hurt him, betray him…Seishiro had been the same way once.

'_You adorable idiot.'_

That voice again, haunting and exasperated. A beaming smile on an older face leaning in close for a teasing kiss…a shit-eating grin on a younger man leaning close to nip his earlobe…past and present really did have a talent for getting in each others way- especially in the case of one Subaru Sumeragi.

**_"cause it's been hard  
yeah it's been hard" _**

The gentle kisses continued, tracing a path along his cheekbones, his neck, and while the butterflies continued the tension began to ease. It was a different time, a different place. The only ghosts here were the ones flitting unabashedly through his own fairly fragmented mind, was his fragmented mind. It was never easy to admit, especially to yourself, that your psyche was more than a little unsteady. Subaru had never really thought of himself as a particularly proud man, but this was a blow to what pride he had. He didn't want to need anyone, not again…and that itself was a symptom of the overwhelming disease.

But…there was something intense in the way Kamui pulled him close, nipped lightly at the nape of his neck, something that was firmly in the here and now and refused to be ignored. Gooseflesh pulled his skin taut as Kamui massaged his shoulders, urging stress and fear to back down and quiet. Every nerve seemed to be working overtime, and it was only half way due to an overworked fight or flight response.

He wanted to be here, in this place in these arms. He needed to be there as well, demanding comfort and giving whatever the other needed. This was his home. With a breath that shuddered out of his thin, almost emaciated, chest Subaru reached down and pulled Kamui's face upwards, so as to press his lips fiercely onto the other mans, spine tingling as Kamui growled quietly in appreciated and anticipation. **_  
_**

"**_i sit there at the bar  
i wonder what i've done  
should i just fuck it all  
or should I go back home_**

**_cause if i take that drink  
i might as well just die  
and if i kill myself  
i'd be giving up my try"_**

It wasn't ever going to be perfect. Hell, half the time it wasn't even good, but it was something that was shared, a desperate sort of grasping between two people who had endured far beyond the much quoted slings and arrows of fate. They had, in one way or another, refused to lay down and die when the opportunity presented itself. There was a definite strength there, and an understanding.

Kamui pulled the now sleeping Subaru a little closer, reassuring himself on some basic, tactile level that the other man was _there_. Life was a bitch and then you die, or gather up the remnants of what she has left you like a tattered cloak and keep walking. Kamui breathed a kiss against Subaru's pale, delicate skin, breathed in the earthy scent of herbal tea that always clung to the other man. Neither of them had decided dying was any sort of viable option, not when obligation and deep affections keep them struggling onward. Subaru nuzzled against him, deep in an emotionally exhausted breed of sleep and unwilling to make any other concessions towards conscious appreciation of Kamui's presence. One lean leg wrapped over Kamui, catching his own limbs in the crook of Subaru's knee as the older man shifted a bit more before settling back into unmoving sleep.

"…**_and if it's easier_**  
**_to give up everything  
i'd give it all to you  
to relieve half this pain…."_**

This was never going to be perfect, but right now it was as close to heaven as Kamui dared to dream of. Subaru's warmth, Subaru's gentle breathing, and an apartment that was a palace as far as he was concerned. Subaru needed him, he needed Subaru…that in itself was enough to get him settled down with a deep huff of breath to sleep, his arms wrapped tightly around his lover.

"_**Cause it's been hard…"**_

****

**_-ende.-_**


End file.
